Lets talk !

I have so much too talk about ....so much going through my mind i need to take out.

I feel strange ,  its not PMS i know.. i am scared and its a strange kind of scary feeling. may be because of exams..

I constantly think about getting a migration (migrate from one college to another)...I don't want to be in a girls college, I don't ...am not able to cope up with the bitchy-ness . Again, I am scared whether i'll be able to get it or not . I even think if i'd be happy or not ..If i'll be able to make friends or not .It makes me feel like a kid ..going to school for the first time

My past ...the-things-i-share-with-no-one it still makes me angry and insecure sometimes . Am not able to let go .Those things are past ..its been years  .But still...I think meeting better people ...having friends will make things better . Then i think .."will i ever be able to make friends? "

sometimes i don't like to blog with a pseudonym .Though i like the name - MAYA ..it has a very sensual ...mysterious feel.

A lot of times i find it hard to express myself . It makes me feel suffocated .

I want to change myself ..am very lazy , silly , irresponsible..i want to get rid of these characteristics ..They make me not like myself .

I think , i need to go on a holiday ..somewhere in the mountains ALONE. or may be with a couple of friends .

I  a lot of times think about the "A DOOR TO HEAVEN STORY" which dadoo told me .. i sometimes have a feeling that things will change from now on, and they will change for the worst.

I need to get over my ex .. I sometimes think i am just deluding myself . He is a part of my insecurities . I still love him .A LOT

I will never get married ... I don't want to . i might have a test tube baby or i might keep a pet. i might sometimes hire male escort or i might just start following celibacy.

I want to write a book someday. I am giving it a serious thought .

I sometimes get nightmare that i am living in extreme poverty ..loneliness and misery . It scares me like  .

I can easily keep others happy ..but i find it really difficult to keep myself happy.

I think a lot .. i think a lot other than this crap and a lot is an understatement.

I came across as a very insecure person ...especially to you people (if anyone is reading) . people who know me .i know can never believe i wrote it .




you know what after reading what all i wrote i think most of my problems are just not problems .
They bother me because i think about them a lot but i cannot stop thinking about them and i can go on and on about them... and I can see you guys are not liking it. i think i should stop here.

bbye !

I LIKE IT THAT WAY .....

I LIKE IT THAT WAY .....


There's sense of comfort in the anonymity... isn't it ? i am feeling this from past few days ... i like it when people don't know me my inner thoughts and feelings ... don't know about the things i go through ... it makes me more comfortable .  and i don't like it when people know me really well .. know all about me ... it difficult ... UGHGHGHghghg ! :(


Lets put it this way ..i have a friend ..who is like a real real good friend .. we hang out  together (with other friends as well ) ..we almost talk everyday at night and at length... we meet over drinks as well ..(with other friends)so you know its like drinks brought us close in terms of knowing each other... i know things about his family which any outsider shouldn't be... although he doesn't know a lot about me but still knows things ... and not from the past 2-3 days i don't feel like talking to him .. i just don't ... i just hate the whole idea....and i don't understand why ? 


The only reason i can find is that i am comfortable under those masks. and honestly most of my miseries come from there..it makes feel lonely ,isolated ,frustrated too at times..i find hard to deal with it ..i feel helplessness , a different kind of helplessness ...helplessness that suffocates .
i don't find a way out . i sometimes feel its killing me ...


will the pain ever fade away ? 

MAYA

माया 

In Advaita Vedanta philosophy, Maya is the limited, purely physical and mental reality in which our everyday consciousness has become entangled. Maya is held to be an illusion, a veiling of the true, unitary Self — the Cosmic Spirit also known as Brahman. The concept of Maya was introduced by the great ninth-century Hindu philosopher Adi Shankara.He refuses, however, to explain the relationship between Brahman and Maya. or whatever blah . -Wikipedia 




The main point is MAYA - it is nothing but an illusion which prevents  us to seek truth  "a veiling  of truth" and honestly its a part of everyone/everything. We all create illusions , our  mind does , inanimate objects do..and as Plato said "world is an illusion" , i believe it really is...thats how i interpret MAYA. This is an attempt to unveil it and an effort to look beyond  these illusions . An attempt to know what is  what and who i really am. Its attempt to accept and to be brutally honest to myself, break those illusions i know i have created and i need to get rid of in the due course of time ..."veils of Maya".


And about Maya , its a thin shadowed line between real and unreal. Often when the real identities are talked about , the real character is hidden and then the need for the unreal identity arises , so that the real character can come into light .